Be Kind, Not Nice – The Joy of Real Connection

Discover why joy doesn't grow from being nice, but from being kind.

Not long ago, I caught myself avoiding a conversation. It was one of those moments where my instinct was to keep things light. I smiled, nodded, and said something polite—something “nice.” But inside, I knew the truth: I wasn’t really showing up. I was protecting harmony on the surface while neglecting the honesty that the situation deserved.

That moment reminded me of a subtle but crucial difference: nice is easy, but it’s not enough. There’s a difference between being nice and being kind. It might seem subtle, but it changes everything about how we lead, how we coach, and how we live. Nice avoids discomfort. Kind leans in with honesty and care. One maintains peace on the surface, the other builds trust at the core. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned on my journey—from my lowest lows to my proudest highs—it’s this: real joy doesn’t grow from being nice. It grows from being kind.

Why Niceness Fails Us

Niceness is seductive. It feels smooth in the moment. It avoids conflict, pleases others, and keeps the water calm. But niceness has a cost. When leaders are “nice,” they often avoid hard truths, smile through misalignment, say “yes” when they mean “no,” or protect their own comfort rather than supporting real growth.

The result is rarely positive. Teams stay polite, but unspoken tensions build beneath the surface. Individuals feel unseen because nobody dares to speak truthfully. Energy leaks into whispers, second-guessing, and frustration. Niceness keeps us comfortable. But it also keeps us stuck.

Why Kindness Builds Joy

Kindness is different. It is not about pleasing; it is about presence, clarity, and respect. Kindness is honest, and it dares to speak the truth, but does so with care. Kindness is courageous, because it doesn’t shy away from tough conversations, yet it also doesn’t use honesty as a weapon. And kindness is generous: it seeks the growth of the other, even when it’s uncomfortable for us.

And here’s the paradox: when we practice kindness, we unlock joy. Because joy is not the absence of discomfort. Joy is the presence of real connection. When someone knows they can trust you to be both honest and caring, that’s when the relationship becomes fertile ground for growth. That’s where energy flows. That’s where joy takes root.

My Own Story – From Niceness to Kindness

In my lowest point back in 2018, when my life had collapsed in ways I could never have imagined, “nice” words did nothing for me. Polite nods, empty reassurances, and attempts to avoid the discomfort of my pain left me feeling more alone.

What saved me were the people who were kind. The ones who dared to tell me the truth, who held up the mirror, who challenged me with love, and who stayed close even when it was messy and uncomfortable. It wasn’t always what I wanted to hear, but it was exactly what I needed. That kindness gave me the courage to start again. And it’s why I believe so deeply that kindness—not niceness—is what brings joy and transformation.

Focs as a Teacher

Even my dog, Focs, reminds me of this lesson. If I try to be “nice” with him—soft tone, vague signals—he gets confused. He doesn’t know what I want. Niceness without clarity frustrates him. But when I’m kind—clear, consistent, caring—he relaxes. He knows where he stands. He feels safe. He can play, trust, and connect.

It’s the same with people. We don’t thrive on niceness. We thrive on kindness with clarity.

In Leadership: The Trap of Niceness

I see it often in organizations. A team full of “nice” people avoids conflict. They nod in meetings, but the real discussions happen in the hallways. They hesitate to challenge a leader, afraid of making things uncomfortable.

The cost is high. Decisions lack clarity. Innovation slows down. Trust erodes quietly.

On the other hand, leaders who practice kindness create spaces where truth can be spoken. They dare to say: “This isn’t working.” They care enough to ask: “What do you really need?” They listen, even when it’s inconvenient. That combination—truth and care—builds trust. And trust is the foundation of joy in any team.

Secure Base Leadership: Care + Dare

In my work as a coach, I often come back to the Secure Base Leadership framework: Care and Dare. Care without Dare is “nice.” It comforts but doesn’t challenge. Dare without Care is harsh. It pushes but doesn’t support. The magic happens in the balance: Care that shows people they matter, and Dare that challenges them to grow.

That’s not niceness. That’s kindness. And it’s what makes leaders not just effective, but unforgettable.

Kindness in Coaching

As a coach, I remind myself constantly: I am not here to be “nice.” Niceness would mean nodding, smiling, and affirming whatever my client says—even if I see the blind spots, the self-deceptions, or the patterns holding them back. But my clients don’t come to me for niceness. They come for transformation.

That requires kindness. The kind of honesty that says: “I hear you—and I think there’s something you’re not facing.” Or: “That story you’re telling yourself may not be the truth.” Or: “I believe you’re capable of more, and I’m not going to let you settle.” Always delivered with care, always rooted in respect.

Kindness, not niceness, is what unlocks their courage. And that courage is what fuels joy.

Joy as the Outcome

When we shift from niceness to kindness, something changes. Clarity replaces confusion. Trust replaces doubt. Energy replaces avoidance. And with that comes joy—not the fleeting joy of surface-level harmony, but the deep joy of authentic connection. The kind of joy that comes when you know you are seen, heard, and respected for who you really are. That is the joy of kindness.

A Call to You

So here’s my invitation: Look at your own life. Where are you being “nice” when you could be kind? Where are you avoiding discomfort instead of leaning in with honesty and care? What would shift in your relationships, your team, your leadership, if you chose kindness over niceness?

It won’t always be easy. But it will always be worth it. Because niceness avoids, kindness connects, and kindness is where joy begins.

Final Reflection

As I write this, I think back to all the people who shaped me. The ones who stood by me in silence, offering polite comfort. And the ones who dared to be kind—who told me the truth, challenged me, and loved me enough to stay close. It’s the latter who changed my life. And it’s the kind of leader, coach, and human I want to be.

Not just nice.

Always kind.